you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
