wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
