i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
