I wanna bring you to show and tell
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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