I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
