he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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