my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
