Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
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