I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
