I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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