I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
