I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
