so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
