Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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