tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
