he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
