I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
