Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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