you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
