Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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