Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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