His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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