I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
