we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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