I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
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