farters have to be the big spoon...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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