I'm gonna have a badass scar
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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