when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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