I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
