Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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