the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
