Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
