it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
