I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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