I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Randomize
