finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
