if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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