I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
