My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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