my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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