The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
