He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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