I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize