Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
