There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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