The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
