I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
