oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
zippers are such a cool invention
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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