Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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