woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
