Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize