I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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