he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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