I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
