How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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