i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Little spoons don't ask big questions
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
