Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
