Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
