i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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