dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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